"I'm an omniverous digester of the news and no fool when it comes to toothpaste and authority figures, so I knew to not fly to San Diego a few days ago with toothpaste.
Once there I walk up and down the cavernous toothpaste aisle of what used to be called a drug store. California drug (and grocery) stores define their art.
No small, travel sized tubes are to be found. So, there not being a smallest, I look for the cheapest. It's a SpongeBobSquarePants tube of Colgates. 4.3 oz. And therein is the problem. While in San Diego, the Great Toothpaste Threat diminished to the point we are now able to board with 3 oz.
And now I'm about to fly from San Diego to, ugh, Las Vegas, for the annual bicycle trade show. I'm pulled aside by my very own TSA agent and confronted with my having 1.3 oz. too much toothpaste.
I petition her: That's what the tube says, I say, but I've been using it for four days in the course of which, I'm thinking, I've used 1.3 oz. of toothpaste.
Nope. Not good enough. The container says 4.3.
""Do you have a scale?"" I ask.
""No.""
""Can you just watch me squeeze out half the tube into that trash basket?""
TSA agent is non-plussed. I summon the TSA supervisor, confident he is a man of greater reason and reasonableness.
""No.""
""It's a garbage bag. It's lined.""
""It's only for containers.""
I decide it's not worth it. I turn over ownership of my SpongeBobSquarePants Colgate toothpaste to the TSA supervisor. He proceeds to trash it in the very trash I wanted to trash half of it.
I proceed to the gate, find I have time, return to the scene of the trashing of the Great SpongeBobSquarePants Dump.
After World War II, when there was an acute shortage of gasoline, the Army Air Corps sold off its unneeded, unwanted planes. A man bought a number of them, emptied them of their fuel, and simply left them in place. Man was said to have made a fortune on the gas.
So I returned to retrieve my SpongBobSquarePants Colgate toothpaste. It was a walk of a very short distance and no more than two minutes later. There being no crowd behind me, and being an educated class of people who were behind me and who therefore knew to bring no over-sized containers of toothpaste in their carry-on bags, I volunteered to the supervisor to do the fishing. No, it was right on top and he fished it out, handed it to a non-supervisory TSA agent and had the agent walk me and the SpongeBobSquarePants Colgate toothpaste out the exit, beyond the check-in area. And only then, once safely beyond the entry area did the agent hand me the SpongeBobSquarePants Colgate tube of toothpaste.
I squeezed three days worth of SpongeBobSquarePants Colgate toothpaste into two of those small cream containers at a bar, wrapped it in paper, and passed through security after being checked again.
I write this on board Southwest Flight #7411, I think it is, waiting to take off.
In my heart of hearts, I feel I've done my part to make this nation safe and secure tonight because I dumped an ounce of SpongeBobSquarePants Colgate toothpaste. (Don't do the math: certainly I used .3 oz. in four days.)
And now I'm on my way to the bike show.
"